All hail King Gareth, the man once called 'barely useless' by an imbecile pundit (and yes, it was me!) PIERS MORGAN'S match day diary

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5am Woke at my London home in a pool of sweat, partly caused by the sweltering unseasonal July heat and partly by trepidation about England’s crucial World Cup quarter-final game. 

I can never sleep on the day of a big football match, even though I’ve never actually had to take part in one myself. Well, apart from when I was the star striker for Harlow College’s 5-a-side journalism course team. (That’s not quite as impressive as it sounds given there were 56 people on my course and only six were male). 

It’s coming home, so I got in a car and went home, back to the Sussex village where I grew up and where most of my family still live.

9am The papers are full of profiles of England manager Gareth Southgate, who has confounded the critics by driving this young, inexperienced team to far greater heights in this tournament than many suspected was possible. I met him at last year’s GQ Men Of The Year Awards.

Southgate has confounded critics by driving a young and inexperienced team further than any other England squad in 28 years

‘How’s the world’s most difficult, thankless job going?’ I asked. ‘It’s… interesting!’ he said, chuckling. ‘When you’re an England player, you return to your club after a game and focus moves to that. But when you’re England manager, the media attention, criticism and pressure never stops. I’m hugely enjoying it, though.’ 

It was my turn to laugh. ‘You realise that unless you win a trophy, you’ll be mocked, abused, deemed a failure and unceremoniously sacked?’

Southgate smirked. ‘I do, yes, thanks for reminding me.’ ‘Of course,’ I added, ‘if you win the World Cup, it’s knighthoods and statues all round.’ 

He nodded. ‘Of course!’ Southgate struck me then as a very nice guy with just the right perspective on a job that has crushed the soul of some of the world’s finest managers.

10.52am Lord Sugar, still licking his wounds from that ridiculous Senegal tweet fiasco, is back on the social media platform this morning. ‘The question is will it be Sir Garath Southgate,’ he opines. ‘That’s unlikely,’ I respond, ‘as his name is Gareth.’

11.30am Emboldened by my victory over Sugar, I turn my tweeting turrets on ‘Saint’ Gary Lineker, the BBC’s top football presenting star who’s been posting regular videos of himself scoring important World Cup goals. 

‘Do you have any of you scoring in a European Championship or World Cup final?’ I ask, knowing the answer. ‘Haven’t played in one, sadly,’ he replies. ‘Got a World Cup semi-final one ready if England make it. Looking forward to your video scoring for Harlow College.’ I was promptly deluged with mocking abuse. Why do I do this to myself?

An excited young England fan holds up a 'It's Coming Home' placard. Millions of fans back home sang the lyrics into the early hours of Sunday morning 

2pm The BBC coverage begins with the voice of EastEnders star Danny Dyer, now the people’s politician after he called David Cameron a ‘tw*t’ on Good Evening Britain, the show I hosted with Susanna Reid last week. 

‘It’s coming home,’ he growled, ‘So this is it. Just sit back, put your trotters up and watch history being made. And hear those lions roar...’ It perfectly sets the mood.

2.05pm Lineker asks, ‘Where is Des Lynam?’ in affectionate reference to his brilliant predecessor. I email Des to ask him and he replies that he’s watching at his home in Brighton, five miles from me. 

I nearly suggest he come over for a few beers but don’t want to be too forward with one of my broadcasting heroes. Gary reminds us England have only twice gone further than this stage in the World Cup and on one of those occasions we won it.

2.09pm Wilf Frost, TV presenter son of the late, great Sir David, tweets: ‘Can you imagine the unbelievable privilege and pressure of leading your country out at a World Cup quarter-final?’ 

This reminds me of the great line from Australian cricket legend Keith Miller, who flew in the Aussie Air Force during the Second World War, when he was asked about the pressure of playing sport. ‘Pressure,’ he replied, ‘is a Messerschmitt up your a**e’.

Sliding into the semis! Maguire's goal helps put England through to the semi-finals as they defeat Sweden 

2.12pm Lineker plays footage of former Germany superstar Jurgen Klinsmann – now one of the BBC punditry team – leading his team in a drunken rendition of It’s Coming Home after they won Euro ’96 in England. 

Fortunately, the Germans, who’ve just endured their worst ever World Cup this year, have a word for that – schadenfreude.

2.13pm Tragic news, or is it? David Baddiel, who originally recorded It’s Coming Home with Frank Skinner, tweeted: ‘In not a great omen for the game, our guinea pig has just died. Then again, he was called Bjorn.’

2.40pm Southgate appears. He sounds confident, calm, focused. ‘I’m enjoying this,’ he says.

2.54pm News breaks that North Korea has dismissed high-level talks with a US delegation led by Secretary of State Mike Pompeo as ‘regrettable’ and has accused Washington of trying to unilaterally pressure the country into abandoning its nukes. 

It's coming home! England fans jump for joy after the full time whistle in Samara, Russia as the Three Lions go through 

It momentarily distracts me until I remember the words of the great Liverpool manager Bill Shankly: ‘Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I can assure you, it’s more important than that.’ Nuclear war will just have to wait a bit.

2.55pm I’ve now been joined by a dozen members of my family. ‘Sexy man!’ sighs my 21-year-old niece Phoebe as the camera pans to Harry Kane in the tunnel. ‘WHAT?’ shrieks her brother in horror. ‘Only joking,’ she clarifies.

3pm Today’s referee is called Bjorn. He’s Dutch and FIFA’s top-rated official, but I still don’t like the man who may decide this match having such a Swedish name.

3.02pm There are thousands of empty seats. I was annoyed by this until it was revealed it’s because German fans bought the tickets assuming they would make this stage. Then I found the empty seats hugely amusing.

3.06pm England get an early chance but Dele Alli fluffs his pass to Harry Kane. These bloody Spurs players – the team’s full of them and they can’t be trusted.

3.10pm It’s been a slow, jittery start. ‘Does it feel nervy to you?’ commentator Guy Mowbray asks his colleague Martin Keown. ‘It does,’ says Keown, ‘it’s like the handbrake’s on for both sides.’ ‘Well, take it off then!’ exclaims my father from his armchair.

The 25-year-old defender's first goal at international level could prove to be an important one as England reach their first semi-final in 28 years

3.12pm Sweden have a shot but it flies just over the bar. The room erupts into a massive collective ‘OOOHHH’. Things are tense.

3.17pm The game’s getting worse – slow, scrappy, scruffy, suffocating, unsettling. Of course, I’ll take another 73 minutes of this – if we win. But it’s agony.

3.20pm Kane has a half-chance. ‘England are beginning to wake up,’ says Keown. ‘They should have been bloody awake when they started the match, for God’s sake,’ snaps my father. He’s a lifelong Spurs fan, so you’d think he’d be used to watching rubbish football.

Captain Harry Kane celebrates with his friends and family following his side's victory in the quarter final against Sweden in Samara

3.27pm The fourth official remonstrates with Southgate about something. I assume it’s to stop his players being so boring.

3.30pm BOOOOOM!! England spectacularly snap out of their stupor to take the lead with a brilliant headed goal by the other Harry – Maguire. The room erupts with hysteria, as I imagine does most of England. 

One Direction star Louis Tomlinson best sums up the mood of the nation: ‘Get the f*** in! Smashed it, Harry Maguire, you beauty!’ Radio One’s Nick Grimshaw sees a neat link to today’s other big event in Britain – the London Pride gay parade. ‘OMG,’ he tweets, ‘if England win and it’s Pride, it’s coming homo!’

Henderson spends time with his children after bagging a spot in the semi-finals by beating Sweden in Samara, Russia

3.40pm Former EastEnders star Ross Kemp, who posted a shocking topless shrieking video after we beat Colombia, is back with more. ‘YEEEESSSSS!’ he screams, ‘And we hold. We do not give in. We do not allow them to score.’ It’s terrifyingly inspiring.

3.42pm England fans burst into a rousing God Save The Queen. She’s probably watching the tennis but it’s a nice thought.

3.43pm Raheem Sterling, who has an assault rifle tattooed on his leg, bursts clean through, but woefully fluffs his shot. ‘Jeez, Sterling,’ I tweet. ‘If you must have a machine gun tattoo, you can’t shoot like that!’ Amusingly, this is immediately retweeted by Robert O’Neill – the Navy SEAL who shot and killed Osama Bin Laden.

3.44pm Sterling does it again, this time missing even more embarrassingly. ‘Take him off!’ screams my mother, normally a voice of compassion in such moments. The pressure’s getting to all of us.

After some spectacular saves against Sweden that helped take the Three Lions to the semi-finals, Jordan Pickford is awarded Man of the Match in Samara 

3.46pm Halftime. Phew. I’m exhausted. Watching England is an endurance contest, and one you know normally ends in abject failure. It’s rarely a happy experience. We’re winning, but it doesn’t feel like it.

3.48pm The BBC shows great clips of crowds going absolutely nuts all over England when Maguire’s goal goes in. Croydon is by far the most wild and raucous – which is no surprise to me because Susanna Reid’s from Croydon and every night out we’ve had together is like that.

3.57pm Remainer MP Anna Soubry randomly tweets me to ask: ‘Alan Shearer just said Sterling should “flick his balls”. How’s that going to help him score?’ I ponder a few seconds then reply: ‘Arousal is a proven contributor to performance.’

3.58pm ‘Statto’ Lineker informs us that Sweden have never won a World Cup match where they’ve been losing at halftime. That’s comforting. Shearer adds: ‘No stupid errors and we’ve got this.’ That’s less comforting – we always make stupid errors.

That's my boy! England manager Gareth Southgate hugs midfielder Dele Alli after nodding in the second header of the match

4.02pm A horse called Roaring Lion just won at Sandown. The stars, and nags, are aligning.

4.03pm Jordan Pickford makes a brilliant save. Our very inexperienced goalkeeper is emerging as England’s superstar, something absolutely nobody predicted three weeks ago.

4.06pm BBC Today Show presenter Nick Robinson tweets: ‘Is it me or is 1-nil the most stomach-churning score?’ It’s not just him. It’s all of us. We need another goal to calm the guts.

4.15pm BOOOOOM! Dele Alli scores. It’s 2-0. It IS coming home! I leap from my chair and do a conga round the garden. It’s not a pretty sight but what I lack in technique, I make up for with enthusiasm.

4.18pm Pickford makes another sensational save. Ross Kemp is back, still topless, and still screaming: ‘PICKFORD! YOU BEAUTY! YOU BEAUTY!’

4.20pm Even the professionals are shedding their natural doubts. Former England striker Peter Crouch confesses: ‘Right, I’m all in, it’s coming home.’

4.21pm I’m A Celebrity winner Georgia Toffolo is emotional: ‘I just cried, this is amazing, come on.’

Manager Gareth Southgate embraces Harry Maguire after one of his goals saw England through to the semis

4.22pm Maguire misses a sitter… ‘How can he get that timing so wrong when he’s being paid so much to play?’ my sister demands to know from her perch on the sofa. I’m the least opinionated member of my family.

4.28pm Pickford saves us yet again. He is definitely getting a statue, probably just for this match. The clock’s ticking down, and so are my shredded nerves. It’s torture, yet I’m beginning to see a tiny light at the end of the dark tunnel of tension.

4.30pm Alli goes off, very, very slowly. I love his time-wasting just as much as I would hate it if I were Swedish.

4.41pm The camera pans to a beautiful but distraught blonde Swedish female fan. England fans begin chanting: ‘You’re sh** but your birds are fit!’ I’m appalled with myself as I laugh out loud.

4.44pm ‘Dare I say it, this looks like the perfect performance at the moment,’ says Keown. NO, MARTIN, DON’T SAY IT.

4.45pm Comedian Jack Whitehall, a fellow Arsenal fan, is clearly wrestling with the same dilemma as me – how to a cheer a team full of players from our most bitter rivals. 

‘I never thought it would happen,’ he tweets, ‘and I can’t believe I’m saying this… but I genuinely think Tottenham might be in with a chance of winning a trophy here.’

4.46pm Sweden get a free kick in front of goal. My heart stops. But their shot balloons so high over the bar it will need Tim Peake to get it back.

4.50pm The room bursts into ‘God Save The Queen’, for no other reason than we are all feeling ridiculously happy and patriotic.

4.52pm It’s over. We’ve done it. It’s so weird, I almost enjoyed watching England play a World Cup knockout game.

4.59pm An email arrives from my Army Colonel brother, serving his country in a less joyous part of the world. It’s his birthday next week and I’d sent him a box of cigars to make up for the fact he’s not allowed to drink alcohol. 

‘Got back to my office after watching the game to find your gift,’ he wrote. ‘What perfect timing, guess what I’m about to do now?’ Happiness is a cigar… and England getting to the semi-final of the World Cup.

5.05pm Southgate goes to applaud the fans as ‘All You Need Is Love’ booms out on the PA system. It’s a perfect moment. This smart, decent, impressive man has restored so much pride, dignity and grace to English football.

And in doing so, he’s proven so many people wrong, not least the loud-mouthed pundit who said this after he was given the job: ‘There are a legion of better managers than Gareth Southgate in the world. 

'The objective should be dragging the England team out of its abyss and dragging us kicking and screaming – under the tutelage of a brilliant, dynamic new manager – into the next phase of our existence. Instead, we’ve gone for the easy option, the cheap option by the strict criteria of: he’s got to be English and barely useless and I don’t get it.’

That half-witted imbecile pundit was… me. And no, I didn’t get it.

Because it turns out the brilliant, dynamic manager who has dragged us kicking and screaming into a World Cup semi-final is the guy I wrote off as ‘barely useless’.

Gareth, or Sir Gareth as I suspect I will soon have to call you, I’m sorry.

Now bring it home.