Mitch Albom: Tariffs, stocks, April 15! Taxes and more taxes are making America crazy
Mitch Albom- Taxes are a pervasive topic in current American discourse, impacting everything from trade policy to individual tax returns.
- The history of taxation dates to ancient times, with systems evolving over centuries to encompass a wide range of goods and services.
- Unusual taxes have been levied throughout history, including taxes on windows in Britain and taxes on bagels in New York, if they are cut.
If aliens were to land in America today, they would assume our biggest preoccupation was taxes.
After all, President Donald Trump’s tariff policy, which is a tax on goods coming into this country, was all anyone talked about last week. It sent the stock market on a five-day ride that would leave a fighter pilot nauseous.
Meanwhile, Congress is getting ready to battle over extending the 2018 tax cuts this week. And millions of Americans are currently filling out their tax returns in an effort to beat Tuesday’s April 15th deadline.
“These taxes are crazy!” you hear people say. “What I pay is crazy! What they charge is crazy! What Trump is doing is crazy!”
If it makes you feel any better, “crazy” and “taxes” didn’t just get married last week. Taxes have long been insane everywhere. Taxes on imports. Taxes on exports. Taxes on income. Taxes on property. In fact, it’s getting harder to find anything that doesn’t carry some sort of tax with it.
In Maine, they tax blueberries. In New York, they tax bagels — but only if they are cut. In Colorado, you don’t get taxed on a coffee cup, but you do get taxed on the lid.
And in Denmark, there will soon be a tax on cow flatulence.
Good luck getting that on your return.
Talk to H&R Ramses
Now, many people ask, “When did taxes begin?” I can answer that. The idea was born way, way back in ancient Egypt, when three Pharaohs named Deloitte, Ernst and Young rode past a beautiful field of grain and said to the farmer, “That’s a lot of grain. Give us half!”
“Get lost,” the farmer said.
“What if we asked nicely?”
“Beat it.”
That might have been the end of taxes, had the Pharaohs not returned to their palace and consulted their accountant, H&R Ramses, who told them if they really wanted the grain, they could demand it by insisting they needed it to do Pharaoh stuff.
“What kind of stuff?” the Pharaohs asked.
“Like building things to help people,” the accountant said.
“Why would we do that?”
“To justify what you take.”
“That sounds like a lot of work. Forget it.”
Once again, that could have been the end of things, had not the court jester, Turbos Taxos, suddenly piped in.
“You know, Pharaohs, you don’t actually have to do any of that stuff. Just take the grain and promise them you will.”
“Haha! Good one, Jester!”
“I’m not joking.”
The Pharaohs looked at each other.
“But what if the people refuse to pay?”
“You slice them in half.”
“That sounds a bit harsh.”
“Fine. Just throw them in prison.”
“Can we do that?’
“Of course you can, you idiots!” the jester said. “You’re in charge!”
The Pharaohs nodded, then cut the jester’s head off.
And thus, the modern tax system was born.
The price for ... everything
Now, I’m not sure that story is 100% accurate. But it’s close enough. And ever since, governments have been taxing citizens on everything from horseshoes to chewing tobacco, saying the money was needed to do really important things, like start a war, or put an extra bidet in the queen’s bathroom.
Over the years, there have been some truly strange taxes. Great Britain often led the way. The Brits once taxed wallpaper, wig powder, and making your own candles. They even put a tax on windows, figuring the richer you were, the more windows you likely had. This worked until rich people started boarding up their windows, choosing to live in the dark rather than pay.
I am not making this up.
In America today, you can pay taxes for body piercing or cleaning your gutters (Arkansas) for live entertainment (Nevada) or for gym memberships (Washington, D.C.)
In Kansas, a hot air balloon that stays tethered to the ground is not taxed, but one that takes off untethered is. I guess they want their money before you fly away to Oz.
The point is, the whole idea of taxes can seem crazy if you really think about it, given how precise the money is upon collection and how unaccountable it is after.
Wars have been fought over taxes. Jails have been filled over taxes. Divorces and marriages have been contested over taxes.
So before you get depressed this week over the check you write to the IRS, or the 145% tariff we’re now charging China, or how much an imported Toyota is going to cost, just remember, it could always be worse.
You could be the tax inspector for cow flatulence.
Contact Mitch Albom: malbom@freepress.com. Check out the latest updates with his charities, books and events at MitchAlbom.com. Follow him @mitchalbom.